I've been really busy with extracurricular stuff lately, like a genetically-superior information-processing machine that must maintain good grades at all costs. But right now, I'm just really chill and relaxed (chillaxed). Haven't felt this good in a while. Who knew that listening to "You don't have to call" could be so fulfilling? In fact, more fulfilling than I've had for a while. Just broke up again, and homecoming elections are tomorrow. Let's hope I win. But I'll be ok if I don't, because Brian says I'm still this cool person no matter what. I wonder what it will take for me to believe it. LOL. I always have a fresh (and sometimes new) perspective to give to people. That is something good. The other day I went to Chinatown alone on the bus in search of not only my missing friend Paloma (whom I have not seen for months), but in search of my self. So, amidst the breakdancing teenagers and the men in Mexican costumes dancing to Mariachi, I let go and finally wrote Paloma a letter. Of course, she'll never receive it, but it made me feel a lot better. Weird guys have been randomly bugging me lately whenever I dress cute, and it enfuriates me because I want people to really like me for who I am, not just like me when I'm more sexually appealing. Real friends are hard to find in high school. I've definitely changed a whole lot in the past few months. I can actually cry now, and really feel things. It's scary, but GREAT! I've just so hungry for recognition. I need someone to point the way, and I believe that someone is God. Life is beautiful, and I may have my moments of complaint. However, I know that I should always remember that some things (the things that are most important) never change. That is what makes life beautiful. Just as I said in one of my poems: Like a bee, I sting you involuntarily; Like a butterfly, I console you.

Awesome

Yeah! Right now I'm feeling awesome. I am no longer depressed and moping! Guess God pulled me right outta that one. Anyway, I was just planning my wardrobe for school today, because it starts in less than a week. The beach trip is tomorrow. It should be fun. I feel closer to my family...more than I have in a long time. I used to feel like it wasn't ok, but now I have more clarity about things. I talked to Ruthie about 2 days ago and she's going clean now too. I dyed my hair darker today...it looks a lot better! I guess I just have to remain true to myself and hold on to my optimism. LIFE IS AWESOME!!!

Like A Phoenix

I was reading one of my entries from July 6. I realized that God wanted me to write that so I could go back and read it. I cannot heal myself. I cannot rise from the ashes like a phoenix without God. But with His help, and over the course of time, I will heal. I will live for that day. The day I can heal.

Shattered

It has almost been a month since I've written. I went out w/ David and broke up w/ him by now. I had a big heartwrenching breakdown yesterday. Today when I went to the mosaic I was better until I saw Jonathan. I spent hours with Alexis and Rodney trying to make him feel better, but he didn't say a word. He even ignored Alexis, and she's his very nice girlfriend. People look different now that I am different. The depression is now back, and more painful than ever. I know I am loved, but I feel so empty and alone. I'm fighting it though. I'm starting to write more poetry, and I got accepted into John Robert Powers modeling and acting school. I have another audition tomorrow. I'm going to look back on this entry and either feel joyful or feel sick, depending on what is going to happen to me in my life. I feel like I'm OK on the outside, but the inside is dying. I am restless and discontent and fried. You'd think a smart, kind, and beautiful girl would have people crawling and dying to be around her. Not so. I guess even popular people have to work for it though. We're all lonely inside, until we have some kind of a major breakthrough. Why does everything appear to be a lie? Why is it that no matter how hard you try to love someone or help them, you cannot, because you just get a big slap in the face instead? I feel so alone. I am loved, and yet I don't feel so loved. All I wanna do is cry, but I can't for some reason. Pain. That is what I feel. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me. Maybe it's just teen angst. But it hurts so bad. It all started yesterday in front of my parents. I was eating a big bowl of Kix cereal, when all of a sudden tears began streaming down my face into the milk. I couldn't stop. I couldn't do anything but keep on eating the cereal, or I would have really lost it for sure. Even when my parents asked what was wrong, I couldn't move. All I could really do to move was eat the cereal. And I had this sudden urge to pour the milk all over myself and roll around in it on the floor while laughing hysterically. But I didn't. I just lay on the sofa and listened to the electronica music channel for 2 hours. I suppose I have lost faith in most of humanity. Sure, I am very nice to them, but I don't care so much what they think anymore. I can behave in an eccentric manner now and be labeled a freak (which no one will label me; I guess the only thing stopping them is my kindness, my good rep, and my looks). All I can do now to keep sane is just be myself. Don't suppress anything, and don't be so afraid. And maybe cry a little more. Or a lot more. I feel shattered. Only God can repair the damage. It's like Incubus sang, "Pardon me while I burst into flames....I'll never be the same."

Hey! Dude, today is kinda weird. I haven't taken my old antidepressant medication for months and I've been clean for a while, so seeing and hearing about people smoking or drinking is a big bummer. I just have to remember that I am a GOOD GIRL though! Today David tried to get me to ditch my art class but I declined. I was seriously thinking about it though. Even so, I know that earning more credits for high school will pay off somehow. I feel the need to get into college classes even though I am barely entering the 10th grade. Basically, I am an bright overachiever that is trying very hard not to backslide. I'm kinda staying with Irene sometimes, because I don't like staying at my mom's new house. But anyways, I feel like crying and I don't know why. Oh, well, at least I'm happy too. Wish me luck!!!

The Feeling of Greatness

I missed a few entries :). The 4th of July was the best one I'd ever had! I went to the Freedom Celebration at Cerritos College, which was a pretty big event. There were a bunch of Christian bands like Fernando Ortega (I think), the Cross Movement, and my favorites, Phil Wickham and Rebecca St. James. I loved it! It was so awesome! A crowd (which I was part of, of course) went to the front (or the pit) and lifted their hands, jumped, and praised Jesus. Hundreds were saved. Pastor Greg Laurie, who will also be at the Harvest Crusade (a combination of Christian rock bands, BMX stunts, and other cool stuff), is a very good pastor. He used modern analogies that everyone could relate to. You could tell that he wasn't just a middle-aged bald guy trying to be cool. He really was cool. He got straight to the point and didn't sugar-coat stuff. He said that we have sinned, but there is a way out. He wasn't one of those Pentacostal guys that shouted "You're all gonna go straight to hell for your sins!" He said that all of us need Jesus, no matter how cool we thought we were. Rebecca St. James, whose music I have faithfully listened to since I was about 11, gave out the message that everyone should save sex for marriage. I wholeheartedly agree. It's not because Christians can't get any, if you know what I mean. In fact, I have seen many beautiful Christians in my time. It's just that God made that law for our protection against things such as STDs, unwanted pregnancy, and physical and emotional scarring. There is less of a risk of going wrong with your husband or wife, especially if you know you can trust them. Anyways, the Harvest Crusade is on the 10th, and I'm definitely gonna go. I'm also anticipating Fish Fest, which has a lot of Christian rock bands as well. It's such a miracle. If you had talked to me about this six months ago I would have been a total druggie and looked at you funny, although I might have secretly admired you. Now, I want to devote my life to changing others and touching their lives in a way that God wants me to. Everyone has a big hole to fill up in their heart. They try to use sex, drugs, or even the innocent love of another human. Sadly, they will never succeed, because that hole is a God-shaped hole. It's like you're a little kid trying to put the circle block in the square hole. You may not realize it yet, but it just isn't gonna happen. You have to have an open mind in order to be humble and go through self-realization. Some people are so stubborn that they have to break before they can be beautiful. I was one of these people, and so was my dad. Sometimes God lets us feel pain to draw us back to Him or to make us stronger. But He promised that He wouldn't give us anything we can't handle, and that He would never leave us or forsake us. Who else would always be there for you? Anyway, if you want to know about my past and my tranformation, read my very first entry. I am soooo busy! I'm making my whole family of 7 food and cleaning too! It's kinda fun though, to see smiles on their faces.

Family

Today my mom and dad actually got along when they took my sister and I to Encino to get fitted for braces. I'm getting the ceramic kind that shows less than regular braces. It should be cute. I have to make twenty payments of about $200, but it's cool. My teeth aren't that bad it turns out. However, I really want them to be straight, so I might as well get braces before I get too stubborn. My sister majorly (not to be insulting; I love her to death) needed braces so she qualified for their MediCal program and she's getting braces for free. I felt bad cause she was even missing a few teeth and her incisors had migrated backwards. Also, a few of her baby teeth hadn't even fallen out, and she's 14. I'm glad that we can take care of her now. I don't know what in the hell took us so long to get to the orthodontist in the first place. I guess we were just afraid of braces. ;)

I slept over at my friend Irene's house for a few days and some funny stuff happened. As well as some funny stuff, some gross stuff took place. One example of this is when I went to Hansen Dam today with her family. All I wanted was to buy some food from an old vendor, but nooo...he had to so blatantly stare at my chest, give me a not-even-close and insufficient amount of change, and ask for my name for crying out loud. What a lamo. I thought Hansen Dam was pretty fun however. The water was nice and cool despite the cruel heat. And I saw my friend Bubba, who had not bothered to visit for a long while. Tomorrow the car wash for my environmental beach trip is supposed to take place, but the girls seem to be flaking out on me. There goes the happy beach trip. Oh well. A real environmental issues board told me I could work for them as soon as I turn 16, which is in about 3 months. Sometimes I wonder, Am I the only one that takes serious issues seriously? Perhaps I grew up too fast. Perhaps I passed up the lazy teenage phase of my life. Oh wait, people can be lazy at any point in their lives. Guess I'm just SOL.