Like A Phoenix

I was reading one of my entries from July 6. I realized that God wanted me to write that so I could go back and read it. I cannot heal myself. I cannot rise from the ashes like a phoenix without God. But with His help, and over the course of time, I will heal. I will live for that day. The day I can heal.

Shattered

It has almost been a month since I've written. I went out w/ David and broke up w/ him by now. I had a big heartwrenching breakdown yesterday. Today when I went to the mosaic I was better until I saw Jonathan. I spent hours with Alexis and Rodney trying to make him feel better, but he didn't say a word. He even ignored Alexis, and she's his very nice girlfriend. People look different now that I am different. The depression is now back, and more painful than ever. I know I am loved, but I feel so empty and alone. I'm fighting it though. I'm starting to write more poetry, and I got accepted into John Robert Powers modeling and acting school. I have another audition tomorrow. I'm going to look back on this entry and either feel joyful or feel sick, depending on what is going to happen to me in my life. I feel like I'm OK on the outside, but the inside is dying. I am restless and discontent and fried. You'd think a smart, kind, and beautiful girl would have people crawling and dying to be around her. Not so. I guess even popular people have to work for it though. We're all lonely inside, until we have some kind of a major breakthrough. Why does everything appear to be a lie? Why is it that no matter how hard you try to love someone or help them, you cannot, because you just get a big slap in the face instead? I feel so alone. I am loved, and yet I don't feel so loved. All I wanna do is cry, but I can't for some reason. Pain. That is what I feel. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me. Maybe it's just teen angst. But it hurts so bad. It all started yesterday in front of my parents. I was eating a big bowl of Kix cereal, when all of a sudden tears began streaming down my face into the milk. I couldn't stop. I couldn't do anything but keep on eating the cereal, or I would have really lost it for sure. Even when my parents asked what was wrong, I couldn't move. All I could really do to move was eat the cereal. And I had this sudden urge to pour the milk all over myself and roll around in it on the floor while laughing hysterically. But I didn't. I just lay on the sofa and listened to the electronica music channel for 2 hours. I suppose I have lost faith in most of humanity. Sure, I am very nice to them, but I don't care so much what they think anymore. I can behave in an eccentric manner now and be labeled a freak (which no one will label me; I guess the only thing stopping them is my kindness, my good rep, and my looks). All I can do now to keep sane is just be myself. Don't suppress anything, and don't be so afraid. And maybe cry a little more. Or a lot more. I feel shattered. Only God can repair the damage. It's like Incubus sang, "Pardon me while I burst into flames....I'll never be the same."