Realizations/The Bunny Chronicles

2004-10-04T21:22:00.000-07:00

I've been really busy with extracurricular stuff lately, like a genetically-superior information-processing machine that must maintain good grades at all costs. But right now, I'm just really chill and relaxed (chillaxed). Haven't felt this good in a while. Who knew that listening to "You don't have to call" could be so fulfilling? In fact, more fulfilling than I've had for a while. Just broke up again, and homecoming elections are tomorrow. Let's hope I win. But I'll be ok if I don't, because Brian says I'm still this cool person no matter what. I wonder what it will take for me to believe it. LOL. I always have a fresh (and sometimes new) perspective to give to people. That is something good. The other day I went to Chinatown alone on the bus in search of not only my missing friend Paloma (whom I have not seen for months), but in search of my self. So, amidst the breakdancing teenagers and the men in Mexican costumes dancing to Mariachi, I let go and finally wrote Paloma a letter. Of course, she'll never receive it, but it made me feel a lot better. Weird guys have been randomly bugging me lately whenever I dress cute, and it enfuriates me because I want people to really like me for who I am, not just like me when I'm more sexually appealing. Real friends are hard to find in high school. I've definitely changed a whole lot in the past few months. I can actually cry now, and really feel things. It's scary, but GREAT! I've just so hungry for recognition. I need someone to point the way, and I believe that someone is God. Life is beautiful, and I may have my moments of complaint. However, I know that I should always remember that some things (the things that are most important) never change. That is what makes life beautiful. Just as I said in one of my poems: Like a bee, I sting you involuntarily; Like a butterfly, I console you.

Awesome

2004-09-03T20:48:00.000-07:00

Yeah! Right now I'm feeling awesome. I am no longer depressed and moping! Guess God pulled me right outta that one. Anyway, I was just planning my wardrobe for school today, because it starts in less than a week. The beach trip is tomorrow. It should be fun. I feel closer to my family...more than I have in a long time. I used to feel like it wasn't ok, but now I have more clarity about things. I talked to Ruthie about 2 days ago and she's going clean now too. I dyed my hair darker today...it looks a lot better! I guess I just have to remain true to myself and hold on to my optimism. LIFE IS AWESOME!!!

Like A Phoenix

2004-08-13T23:43:00.000-07:00

I was reading one of my entries from July 6. I realized that God wanted me to write that so I could go back and read it. I cannot heal myself. I cannot rise from the ashes like a phoenix without God. But with His help, and over the course of time, I will heal. I will live for that day. The day I can heal.

Shattered

2004-08-13T23:25:00.000-07:00

It has almost been a month since I've written. I went out w/ David and broke up w/ him by now. I had a big heartwrenching breakdown yesterday. Today when I went to the mosaic I was better until I saw Jonathan. I spent hours with Alexis and Rodney trying to make him feel better, but he didn't say a word. He even ignored Alexis, and she's his very nice girlfriend. People look different now that I am different. The depression is now back, and more painful than ever. I know I am loved, but I feel so empty and alone. I'm fighting it though. I'm starting to write more poetry, and I got accepted into John Robert Powers modeling and acting school. I have another audition tomorrow. I'm going to look back on this entry and either feel joyful or feel sick, depending on what is going to happen to me in my life. I feel like I'm OK on the outside, but the inside is dying. I am restless and discontent and fried. You'd think a smart, kind, and beautiful girl would have people crawling and dying to be around her. Not so. I guess even popular people have to work for it though. We're all lonely inside, until we have some kind of a major breakthrough. Why does everything appear to be a lie? Why is it that no matter how hard you try to love someone or help them, you cannot, because you just get a big slap in the face instead? I feel so alone. I am loved, and yet I don't feel so loved. All I wanna do is cry, but I can't for some reason. Pain. That is what I feel. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me. Maybe it's just teen angst. But it hurts so bad. It all started yesterday in front of my parents. I was eating a big bowl of Kix cereal, when all of a sudden tears began streaming down my face into the milk. I couldn't stop. I couldn't do anything but keep on eating the cereal, or I would have really lost it for sure. Even when my parents asked what was wrong, I couldn't move. All I could really do to move was eat the cereal. And I had this sudden urge to pour the milk all over myself and roll around in it on the floor while laughing hysterically. But I didn't. I just lay on the sofa and listened to the electronica music channel for 2 hours. I suppose I have lost faith in most of humanity. Sure, I am very nice to them, but I don't care so much what they think anymore. I can behave in an eccentric manner now and be labeled a freak (which no one will label me; I guess the only thing stopping them is my kindness, my good rep, and my looks). All I can do now to keep sane is just be myself. Don't suppress anything, and don't be so afraid. And maybe cry a little more. Or a lot more. I feel shattered. Only God can repair the damage. It's like Incubus sang, "Pardon me while I burst into flames....I'll never be the same."

2004-07-16T20:33:00.000-07:00

Hey! Dude, today is kinda weird. I haven't taken my old antidepressant medication for months and I've been clean for a while, so seeing and hearing about people smoking or drinking is a big bummer. I just have to remember that I am a GOOD GIRL though! Today David tried to get me to ditch my art class but I declined. I was seriously thinking about it though. Even so, I know that earning more credits for high school will pay off somehow. I feel the need to get into college classes even though I am barely entering the 10th grade. Basically, I am an bright overachiever that is trying very hard not to backslide. I'm kinda staying with Irene sometimes, because I don't like staying at my mom's new house. But anyways, I feel like crying and I don't know why. Oh, well, at least I'm happy too. Wish me luck!!!

The Feeling of Greatness

2004-07-06T13:27:00.000-07:00

I missed a few entries :). The 4th of July was the best one I'd ever had! I went to the Freedom Celebration at Cerritos College, which was a pretty big event. There were a bunch of Christian bands like Fernando Ortega (I think), the Cross Movement, and my favorites, Phil Wickham and Rebecca St. James. I loved it! It was so awesome! A crowd (which I was part of, of course) went to the front (or the pit) and lifted their hands, jumped, and praised Jesus. Hundreds were saved. Pastor Greg Laurie, who will also be at the Harvest Crusade (a combination of Christian rock bands, BMX stunts, and other cool stuff), is a very good pastor. He used modern analogies that everyone could relate to. You could tell that he wasn't just a middle-aged bald guy trying to be cool. He really was cool. He got straight to the point and didn't sugar-coat stuff. He said that we have sinned, but there is a way out. He wasn't one of those Pentacostal guys that shouted "You're all gonna go straight to hell for your sins!" He said that all of us need Jesus, no matter how cool we thought we were. Rebecca St. James, whose music I have faithfully listened to since I was about 11, gave out the message that everyone should save sex for marriage. I wholeheartedly agree. It's not because Christians can't get any, if you know what I mean. In fact, I have seen many beautiful Christians in my time. It's just that God made that law for our protection against things such as STDs, unwanted pregnancy, and physical and emotional scarring. There is less of a risk of going wrong with your husband or wife, especially if you know you can trust them. Anyways, the Harvest Crusade is on the 10th, and I'm definitely gonna go. I'm also anticipating Fish Fest, which has a lot of Christian rock bands as well. It's such a miracle. If you had talked to me about this six months ago I would have been a total druggie and looked at you funny, although I might have secretly admired you. Now, I want to devote my life to changing others and touching their lives in a way that God wants me to. Everyone has a big hole to fill up in their heart. They try to use sex, drugs, or even the innocent love of another human. Sadly, they will never succeed, because that hole is a God-shaped hole. It's like you're a little kid trying to put the circle block in the square hole. You may not realize it yet, but it just isn't gonna happen. You have to have an open mind in order to be humble and go through self-realization. Some people are so stubborn that they have to break before they can be beautiful. I was one of these people, and so was my dad. Sometimes God lets us feel pain to draw us back to Him or to make us stronger. But He promised that He wouldn't give us anything we can't handle, and that He would never leave us or forsake us. Who else would always be there for you? Anyway, if you want to know about my past and my tranformation, read my very first entry. I am soooo busy! I'm making my whole family of 7 food and cleaning too! It's kinda fun though, to see smiles on their faces.

Family

2004-06-28T13:26:00.000-07:00

Today my mom and dad actually got along when they took my sister and I to Encino to get fitted for braces. I'm getting the ceramic kind that shows less than regular braces. It should be cute. I have to make twenty payments of about $200, but it's cool. My teeth aren't that bad it turns out. However, I really want them to be straight, so I might as well get braces before I get too stubborn. My sister majorly (not to be insulting; I love her to death) needed braces so she qualified for their MediCal program and she's getting braces for free. I felt bad cause she was even missing a few teeth and her incisors had migrated backwards. Also, a few of her baby teeth hadn't even fallen out, and she's 14. I'm glad that we can take care of her now. I don't know what in the hell took us so long to get to the orthodontist in the first place. I guess we were just afraid of braces. ;)

2004-06-26T22:53:00.000-07:00

I slept over at my friend Irene's house for a few days and some funny stuff happened. As well as some funny stuff, some gross stuff took place. One example of this is when I went to Hansen Dam today with her family. All I wanted was to buy some food from an old vendor, but nooo...he had to so blatantly stare at my chest, give me a not-even-close and insufficient amount of change, and ask for my name for crying out loud. What a lamo. I thought Hansen Dam was pretty fun however. The water was nice and cool despite the cruel heat. And I saw my friend Bubba, who had not bothered to visit for a long while. Tomorrow the car wash for my environmental beach trip is supposed to take place, but the girls seem to be flaking out on me. There goes the happy beach trip. Oh well. A real environmental issues board told me I could work for them as soon as I turn 16, which is in about 3 months. Sometimes I wonder, Am I the only one that takes serious issues seriously? Perhaps I grew up too fast. Perhaps I passed up the lazy teenage phase of my life. Oh wait, people can be lazy at any point in their lives. Guess I'm just SOL.

Back to Work

2004-06-22T18:01:00.000-07:00

Hey! I'm happy that I have a job again. My mom's bf is a piercer and he hired me, my sis, and my cousin. We have been having hilarious little moments all day such as when we were on break putting cucumbers on our eyes, laying on the ghetto plywood floor in the back room, and Brian goes, "What the hell?!?!" It was so funny when we walked into the shop with a huge cucumber and customers stared in a confused manner. Also, since we just reopened, cousin Mariyah and I were holding colorful signs outside. I've been trying to get a car wash planned for my environmental/humanitarianism club so that we can go on our overnight beach trip. Hopefully that will happen very soon because the AutoZone guy I called sounded so confused. Tomorrow my mother is finally taking me to the dentist. This is only a rarity because my mother always blows off my detist appointments, and therefore I've had to keep my own teeth sparkling and shiny and develop an OCD. I think this will be the busiest summer I've ever had. A job, summer painting class, news editorial position, church activities, etc. How fun! Well, I'm gonna go now. It is fun writing in this blog, so I can remember stuff!

2004-06-22T12:19:00.000-07:00

Hey! This is where I work! Buy some cool stuff!

http://www.labodyjewelry.com

2004-06-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

Wanna help save the earth? Go to http://www.ecologyfund.com

2004-06-21T04:49:00.000-07:00

Griffin:
Griffins are gorgeous creatures with the head of an
eagle and the body of a lion. You are smart
and can think on your feet. You also can be a
bit of an airhead and may be called a ditz by
others. You are not dtupid, but in fact, very
intelligent. You are also eager to help others
and are usually docile and submissive. But if
someone offends you you do bite back.

What Mythological Creature Are You (Many Results and Beautiful Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-06-21T04:26:00.000-07:00

You're a Caramel!! You are known for your
sweetness. You are comfortable with yourself,
and help others feel the same way about
themselves. You are generally friendly to
everyone, and believe in second chances.

Which kind of candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Back From Mexico

2004-06-20T23:46:00.000-07:00

Viva la Mexico! It's almost midnight and surprisingly I am still so hyper! I just got back from my trip to the Mexican orphanage. Four other teen girls besides myself went on the trip too to help do the Lord's work at El Reino de Los Ninos. At first, when we got there at about 2 or 3 in the morning on Friday night, I felt like crap. Then, in the morning, after breakfast, I was back to my old self (although a bit tired), obsessively washing dishes and organizing everything. I was the youngest teen girl there, but people treated me as if I were one of the 17-year-olds. I may be young, but when it comes to at least acting like one of the adults (some, if I may say so, may be a bit cocky and bossy at times when we're on a church trip), I can hold my own. Anyway, I was a bit shy in interacting with the little orphanage kids at first and I had to remind myself that this was not a social trip, but a trip in which I was supposed to have my first missionary experience. I was intimidated mainly because I don't know much Spanish, but that's where a few of my friends came in . Whew! What a relief, man! Well, as I was looking at all these beautiful children, not much younger than myself, but so robbed of all of the things that people take for granted, my need to do something for them overflowed. My heart was totally captivated. Staying in a ghetto house with unsterilized Mexican water and fly-covered food make me think even more of how seriously these kids need help. Some of them have had such a bad home life that they're thankful to be in the orphanage. There was a couple there who had grown up in the orphanage and were now volunteers with their own house nearby and two kids. When I gave the cute little orphans the muffins I had baked, I was so happy to see that they appreciated it. Little girls ran up to me shouting, "Mi contigo!" and cute simple little phrases. The next day was our last day of hard work. I'm not rich, but at the same time, it wouldn't matter how rich you are if you visited El Reino de Los Ninos. Everyone has to parttake in the grueling cleaning process (don't get me wrong, I absolutely love cleaning unlike most Americans; my friends nicknamed me Mrs. Fields) which involves adults delegating as you work your a** off (excuse me) to leave the house cleaner than you found it. This is a real bummer, because you know that the missionaries that live there anyway are gonna mess it up quickly. I was glad to leave that house, but when it came time to leave the orphans I was very sad. Some of them were very lively as if they had no idea what sort of situation they were in as I saw them playing and chatting with bright, mischievous eyes. However, some of the kids didn't have twinkling eyes, but rather the empty eyes that I had whenever my spirit had been broken many times before I discovered Christianity. They looked to traumatized to really play and warm up to us. I did my best, however, to smile and help pass out the food and treats to them without imposing my kindness on them. They had, after all, had their trusting little hearts broken by so many of the adults that were supposed to be there for them. Anyway, after all of the playing and cleaning, our whole group went to La Boufadora (a busy marketplace by the ocean). It was fun. The whole experience was a mix of good and bad experiences that kind of opened my eyes. A lot of people see me just as a naive young girl who has had no experience whatsoever. On the contrary, I was already a grateful person before I went to Mexico. This just gave me a chance to really help people at the source instead of just sending money. It was cool. Anyway, I think I am going to send money and sponsor a child. Basically, what you do is give them a pic of yourself and write them letters that will be translated, and send in $20 per month to take care of them. They call you their Tio or Tia and get to know you personally. You can even visit them, if you have a high tolerance for the ghetto. I grew up in the ghetto for parts of my life, especially the Philippines. Even so, I've lived in America most of my life so I can tell the difference and feel grateful for what I have. If anyone wants, I can give them the address for sponsorship or the fax #. There was this one little boy that reminded me of my little brother so much that I almost cried when I saw his eyes. He is one that I'm definitely going to sponsor. In fact, I might upload the pictures of the Mexico trip into this blog eventually if you guys want to check it out. You know what's so weird? It's like I'm a normal American teen girl that likes all the normal things-- cute boys, shopping, music, my cell phone, etc. --and I don't mean to brag, but I have three things that I've found not a lot of girlies my age got-- a dare to be different in a good way personality, intelligence/maturity, and compassion. I know what you're thinking...what a conceited full-of-herself fake do-gooder. But that's not what I am. If I couldn't help others, I would be useless. Especially if I couldn't help these kids. A few of my girlfriends from school are in my environmental club and we're thinking of going to the beach to clean it up and making a whole fun overnight trip of it. Anyways, I was thinking that perhaps now I can start a humanitarian issues club, and my friends and I could have car washes where perhaps the proceeds can sponsor an orphan. I love seeing them smile. It makes my day more than getting my nails done and feeling selfish and lonely. But anyways, I'd be happy to give anyone the fax # if you wanna get involved and stuff. I could also tell you what sort of info (like age group of a child you wanna sponsor) to fax over or mail. But, yeah. I guess my purpose is to serve others. That's why I don't feel unhappy or worthless or lonely. Helping others is the cure to dpression. Seeing them smile makes you happy.

First Bunny Journal

2004-06-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

Yay! My first bunny blog. Well, since this is a first, I might as well tell you a bit about myself. I am a 15-year-old girl that lives in the Los Angeles area. I have many friends, but it is hard to find anyone quite like me. Most of the time I am hyper and crazed although I have my moments of profound thought. I am into yoga, Christianity, writing/journalism (I am the news editor of the Verdugo Hills High School newspaper), singing, environmentalism, and last but not least, (a very recently discovered interest for me)photography. I suppose if you are reading this, you would want more of an extensive description. I am the type of girl that strives to be beautiful on the inside and outside. My life is governed by the principles of Christianity (yeah, yeah, you can call me a Jesus freak), and I find myself constantly dealing with the fact that my empathy has caused me to be a bit more compassionate than most. I don't write in here because I have nothing else to do (in fact it is quite the contrary), but because I think I need a bit of help discovering myself, and what would be better help than to look in from outside of the box. If I document my thoughts, actions, and feelings, it is as if I have a bird-eye view on my soul. Today I am going to Mexico w/ my church to visit an orphanage and stay for 2 nights. Three teen girls and one teen boy (as well as the adults) are coming too, and I expect it to be lots of fun. Last night I was so hyper that I made (like) 72 muffins. What a laugh. My family is calling me a tweeker. But that's common for living in Tujunga anyway. Like the loser I just dumped. I'm not even going to explain. You'd think that an obsessively clean and morally conscious person wouldn't have gotten with a jerk like that, but hey, you live, you learn. It's not like I'm one of those socially-starved stereotypical peer-pressured naive teen girls anyway(Whew, that was a long one, LOL). I just decided to drop my formerly biased feminist views for 2 weeks for a stereotypical jerk-off (p.s. I don't want to cuss online, it is a bad habit anyway even when you're not online and very distasteful). It's so weird. I'm this chick that you wouldn't even expect to communicate in ways like this. When people first look at me they'd expect me to be more of a singer or something rather than an intellectual perfectionist. I don't like to brag or be snotty; people like that have their heads so far up their own arse that they don't realize the existence of intelligent life on Earth. By the way, my sense of humor can leave certain people a bit taken-aback sometimes, but hey, whatever "floats your boat", right? I'm a very straightforward person. I try not to be a b**ch, but I guess it just comes across that way sometimes, so I'm sorry. In fact, I am constantly trying to preserve my intense compassion for others so I won't lose it and hate mankind like every other intellectual person I know. Key words: "Dare to be different". Like that Switchfoot song, "Dare you to move".
Well now that I've blabbed a whole little (seemingly conceited and biased) soliloquy about myself, I shall tell you about my family. I have two sisters and one brother, and I am the eldest. My mom and I have a Gilmore Girls type relationship, although sometimes I feel like I'm talking to the immature teen sister I never had (sorry, mom, you know I luv ya). My other teen sister is about a year-and-a-half younger than me and going into 9th grade (yay, high school here we come). She may not admit it, but she's my baby. My little brother is 10 and just graduated from the 5th grade. Him and I get along so remarkably well that my mom says we're her favorite two kids to bring somewhere. My littlest sister, Nina, is 7, and can be so annoying yet cute that she leaves my head spping in circle of confusin. Same for my bro sometimes, but he shuts up sooner. He just gave me a stuffed chicken beanie baby (he knows I love chickens and bunnies). I love my family a whole lot. My dad is like a separate branch. Him annd my ma are divorced and with enough screaming at them throughout my short life I have finally gotten them to deal with one another in a civil manner. My dad is ver smart, even though he got us from really rich to really poor. His name is Dr. Michael Natividad. There is an online article about him and his partner (the mastermind) cheated the govt. out of a total of 1.2 million dollars in one year. My father was a messed-up man, but now he is a very humble and godly man. I guess crap had to happen for him to change from a s**t-sloth into a beautiful butterfly.
In my lifetime I have had to deal with a lot. I have lived with people not even related to me and I used to lock my bedroom door every night for fear of being raped by them. I have lived in a thrid-world country for two years, and in the ghetto for a few years also. The first half of my life was nothing but riches. But with a lot of money comes a lot of secrets and deception. I had to hit rock-bottom to become humble. Just a few months ago, I was an alcoholic pothead that would run away from home more times than I can count on my fingers and try to commit suicide. I used to be on anti-depressants because I couldn't handle giving up pot. The main feature my friends would recogize me by was by multi-colored crazy hair. Through all this stupid crap, the ones that really loved me stuck by me and recognized the smart and beautiful person I was underneath it all. Sometimes my father still blames himself for not being there for one-third of my life, but I still love him a lot. Now, I have fully recoved and I do not under any circumstances touch drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol. I have found God, who should have been my drug of choice instead of these things all along. I am so blessed to still have hair after how many times I bleached and dyed it. I went from being a pothead on the road to nowhere to the news editor with honors classes who prides herself on touching people's lives in a positive way. I guess I had to change from the s**t-sloth to the beautiful butterfly too. But hey, I'm being very frank in telling you all of these things. I have a good head on my shoulders and want to live for Christ.